The Aftermath. — April 5, 2017

The Aftermath.

I don’t think it’s the breakup itself that is the worst part of a relationship; it’s the putting yourself back together afterwards. It’s the part of the story where you have to go on living your own life after their chapter ends. It’s when you have to reset and adjust your life back to the way it was before they showed up or even change it for the better.

I’m torn. I feel eviscerated and it’s entirely my doing. I broke my own heart in the process and don’t have enough fire left in me to put it back together or to keep moving forward.

All I wanted in this life was to find someone to love and that would love me back and be my best friend; someone that would stay in my life forever, not out of convenience, but because they chose me day in and day out. Good mood, bad mood, hangry, what have you. Any of these things and they’d still think I was the best person for them. (Speaking romantic-wise, not friends or family.)

All this probably sounds incredibly naive and I probably sound like a teenager, but I don’t care. It’s the truth.

I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. I’m 29 years old and even though time is an illusion, I’m done. I’m done with this life.

See you on the other side, maybe.

Best Friend Advice. — February 2, 2017

Best Friend Advice.

“Steph, learn to value your life. It’s a GREAT thing to be alive even if you hate your job or things aren’t working out with your friends and family. We ALL have problems to deal with but, there are plenty of things worth living for. You can’t be happy all the time but…aren’t those little slivers of pure happiness worth it?

Don’t waste so much time being depressed and ungrateful, before you know it, you’ll be old and regret years of misspent youth.

Life’s not a burden; it’s a privilege.”

Not —

Not

Here she is, in the safety of her room. Yet, she doesn’t know just how safe she really is within these walls that surround her. I’m in a box, she thinks.

Here she sits, the exhaustion from the past few days unaccounted for, just simply forgotten. In the quiet stillness of the night, words just seem to flood her mind. Yes, words; random words just floating through the recesses of her mind. Pungent. Strength. Silence. Words just floating in, then suddenly dissipating, as if they were never there to begin with.

A book lays open beside her, the pages slowly drooping down, as if alive, with a mind of their own, with their own agenda, mirroring the emotions written all over her own face.

She sits, unmoving, and yet inside her, it is the complete opposite. She knows of the emotions trapped inside her, swirling in a seemingly endless vortex. What she doesn’t know is how to label them. What is it a vortex of, exactly? Confusion? Emptiness? Contentment? All of the above?

Compared to how it was years ago when she wanted to die, not seeing the purpose of her life, not realizing that the adventure lies in living, not solely existing — this is a vast improvement. But could this all be just another low in the ups and downs of life? All these questions remain unanswered and all her emotions remain unresolved.

All she’s left with tonight is the achingly damp loneliness. All she wants is peace of mind — no pain or anguish or happiness to feel. No thoughts crowding her mind. Because then and only then, it seems the world rights itself and the silence actually seems bearable.

Daily Prompt: Renewal — December 29, 2016

Daily Prompt: Renewal

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

It’s so coincidental that today’s Daily Prompt is Renewal because that is EXACTLY how I feel today — I feel renewed and invigorated.

I’ve been stuck in a pretty deep rut lately, guys (and gals) and only yesterday, have I pulled myself out of it.

I have a week off from work this week and I’ve been using the time to adult (i.e. errands, money stuff, laundry, etc.), read and write.

I forgot how healthy those 2 outlets for me, are. Plus, they put me in good moods, even when I’ve got writer’s block.

Yesterday, I finally figured out why I became cynical and bitter about love and life. It’s because life didn’t turn out the way I wanted or planned it to. So, I realized I’ve been acting like a brat and that shit has gotta stop.

Even though it’s not 2017 yet, I am now making more of a conscious effort to commit to myself. That means that I am going to do more things for me like continue to read books and write in this journal and work on my story that’s been on hiatus since the beginning of this year.

I decided that I’m tired of being sad all the time the majority of the time.
I decided that since I’ve been keeping myself small all my life to not appear weird to the world, I thought, let’s try something different and try being myself and see what happens.

I realized that I am the most powerful when I am myself and appear confident.
I am definitely happier and want to spread happiness and love.
Wow!

Oh yes, I am also making more of an effort to trust myself.

I spent all this time not trusting myself out of fear of being wrong, being ridiculed for my opinions, etc. and I don’t want to do that anymore because it hasn’t been helping me.

Trusting myself…that means that I am not going to overthink things, I will make plans and back-up plans, and I will make decisions based on intuition, past experiences and weighing pros/cons/options.

I choose to be more creative and stop procrastinating on projects that I’ve been wanting to complete for some time now, like a (new) vision board and inspirational posters I’d like to decorate my room with.

On another note, I love when the Universe dishes my advice back to me. My waxer told me today that things really do happen when you least expect them to and when you’re not looking. She basically said to prioritize and focus on something else than what you want and it’ll manifest in your life.

Welp, Happy New Year everybody! Here’s to another year of life and love and messes and getting lost and somehow finding your way back. Cheers and love!

“Have the purest of intentions for what you said you’d do and do it bravely.” — December 2, 2016

“Have the purest of intentions for what you said you’d do and do it bravely.”

Try and remember what you said you’d do and why you said you’d do it.

Forget what you think other people want the thing you said you’d do to be.

The thing you said you’d do should only be what you want the thing you said you’d do to be.

If the thing you said you’d do makes other people happy, that’s great but don’t say things or do things just to make them happy.

Find new ways to do the thing you said you’d do that don’t change the meaning of what you said you’d do.

Have the purest of intentions for what you said you’d do and do it bravely.

If the thing you said you’d do becomes successful, continue to act and think like it is unsuccessful, otherwise you’ll spend your time worrying that it might become unsuccessful.

If you said you’d involve people in the thing you said you’d do, listen to them when they say what they think you should do.

If you said you’d do the thing you said you’d do alone, then go boldly into the wilderness and may your own soul be company enough, while you do the thing you said you’d do.

Do right by the thing you said you’d do. Tend to it and love it.

By trying to remember what you said you’d do and the reason why you said you’d do it.

(~I Wrote This For You, The Reminder of the Thing You Said You’d Do)

Acceptance + Breaths. — November 23, 2016

Acceptance + Breaths.

I am having trouble putting my feelings into words right now, so I will use someone else’s writings to convey what I think my future self will thank me for expressing.

Note: The following is paraphrased to fit my situation.

“When bad things happen, often the only way back to wholeness is to take it all apart. You have the strength to do that, no matter how soul-shaking that will be. A terrible thing happened to you, but you mustn’t let it define your life. People survive all kinds of shit. There is a way forward.

I don’t think forgiveness is what you need to reach for just yet. You know how alcoholics who go to AA are always using that phrase ‘one day at a time’? They that because to say ‘I will never drink again’ is just too damn much. It’s big and hard and bound to fail. This is how forgiveness feels for you at the moment, no doubt. It’s the reason you can’t do it. I suggest you forget about forgiveness for now and strive for acceptance instead.

Accept that your parents — mother, mostly — emotionally abused you when you were a child. Accept that it had a gigantic impact on the person you became. Accept that their actions hurt you deeply. Accept that those experiences taught you something you didn’t want to know. Accept that sorrow and strife are a part of even a joyful life. Accept that it’s going to take a long time for you to get that monster out of your chest. Accept that someday what pains you now will surely pain you less.

Acceptance has everything to do with simplicity, with sitting in the ordinary place, with bearing witness to the plain facts of our life, with not just starting at the essential, but ending up there. Your life has been profoundly shaken by these recent revelations. It’s not your task to immediately forgive those who shook you. Your desire to forgive the woman who emotionally injured you is in opposition to what you feel. Forgiveness forces an impossible internal face-off between you and a woman you hate.

Acceptance asks only that you embrace what’s true.

Strange as it sounds, I don’t think you’ve done that yet. You’re so outraged and surprised that this shitty thing happened to you that there’s a piece of you that isn’t yet convinced it did. You’re looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverses its course. Anyone would be. It’s the reason I’ve had to narrate my own stories of injustice about seven thousand times, as if by raging about it once more the story will change and by the end of it, I won’t still be the woman hanging on the end of the line.

But it won’t change, for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone. We are all at some point–and usually at many points over the course of a life– the woman hanging on the end of the line. Allow your acceptance of that to be a transformative experience. You do that by simply looking it square in the face and then moving  on. You don’t have to move fast or far. You can go just an inch. You can mark your progress breath by breath.

Literally. And it’s there that I recommend you begin. Every time you think I hate that fucking bitch, I want you to neutralize that thought with a breath. Breathe in deeply with intention, then breathe out. Do not think I hate that fucking bitch while you do it. Give yourself that. Blow the bitch right out of your chest. Then move on to something else.

It works. The reason it works is the salve is being applied directly to the wound. When you breathe with calm intention you’re zapping the white rage monster precisely where it lives. You’re cutting off its feeding tube and forcing a new thought into your head– one that nurtures rather than tortures you. It’s essentially mental self-discipline. I’m not suggesting one deny negative emotions, but rather that you accept them and move through them by embracing the power we have to keep from wallowing in emotions that don’t serve us well.

It’s hard work. It’s important work. I believe something like forgiveness is on the other side. You will get there, dear woman. Just try.”

Material Things. — October 4, 2016

Material Things.

I never really thought I’d miss things so much.
I understand to not get too, if at all, attached to stuff, but there are some things that actually make your life easier and/or better.

I miss baking and all my baking equipment.
I worked hard to get all that.
And now they’re all sitting on a shelf in a home I won’t go back to.

I miss baking so much it hurts.
If I could, I’d make these and/or these.

Anger. Love. You. — September 28, 2016

Anger. Love. You.

Anger clouds your mind.
It ruins your soul
and transforms your heart to ice.
“Anger is a two-edged sword.”
It’ll bleed you dry if you allow it.

“Anger is a misdirected plea for love.”
Love is the answer.
Love opens your heart and soul.
Yes, it makes you vulnerable,
but, “to love is to be vulnerable.”

Don’t you want love?

I know I do.
Please love.
Love me.
Love something.
Most of all, please love yourself.
It is always about you
and will always be.

Pity Party turned Pep Talk. — September 19, 2016

Pity Party turned Pep Talk.

There’s no one. 

That’s not true. That’s the lie the depression likes to feed me whenever some kind of shit hits the fan in my life.

There *are* people. They just cannot be with you 24/7. They can’t hold you when you want to cry your eyes out for seemingly no reasons. They can’t be there for you when you feel like you really need someone to be there.

Why not? you ask.

Because Steph, you need to learn how to do it yourself. Sure, no one is there to physically hug you or hold you, but you need to learn how to reach inside yourself, past all the darkness and voids and emptiness and you need to be there for yourself. 

Whether or not that means bawling your eyes out until you’re just hiccuping.
And/Or ranting out loud to no one but empty air.

Whatever you need to do for yourself, JUST FUCKING DO IT.

Sorry babe, but you’re in this one alone.

And you know what?

That’s perfectly okay. It is okay because you can always learn how to be with other people, again.

But this – this learning to deal with your issues alone is something you need to master first before you start relying on anyone else. Once you’ve got relying on yourself down packed, then you can include others. If you do it the other way around, you’ll be lost amongst everyone’s opinions and thoughts. You won’t know which way is up or down. You’ll do things based on how others view you and what their expectations are.

Which is why you’re here in the first place.

It’s not wholly about Adam or your mom or your family. It’s about YOU and what you want and what you need.

Figure that out and then figure out who you want to include.

But, please, PLEASE, dear God I’m begging you, express, express, express. Express how you goddamn feel and think. And when people challenge you, you don’t even have to goddamn answer. You can shrug your shoulders or nod your head and move on.

You drop your shit all the time for people. Drop your shit for yourself. Drop caring so much about others because it is fucking ruining your life. You fucking matter on this earth. You fucking matter despite others that barely give a shit about you.

GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF. PLEASE

It’s not selfish. Okay, maybe it is. But who fucking cares at this point in time? You are destroying yourself and no one will realize it unless you are permanently removed from their life.

Do you really want that? Or do you want to feel fulfilled every goddamn day of your life? (Ok, the majority of your life since you’re inclined to have bad days.)

Come on. This stage in your life is only the beginning. Do you really want to give up now after 2 1/2 weeks and go crawling back to your parents? Yes, they tried so very hard for you to have a good life, but now, IT’S UP TO YOU, BABE.

C’MON BABE, YOU GOT THIS. Yes, your shoes are soggy and your clothes are wet, but your goddamn soul is still alive and burning inside of you. Cry, whine, bitch and moan, but eventually, STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GO DO SOME FUCKING WORK. Even if it’s just unloading the laundry. Or writing a list of errands. Or even walking home from the train station. Whatever. Complete at least one thing tonight and be proud of yourself. Give yourself a fucking high 5 right after you’ve done with whatever it is. And rinse and repeat. Sure, the list seems like it never ends, but each day is an accomplishment because you are still alive.

You don’t get to choose when you die, but you get to choose how you live.

And as long as you’re alive, YOU FUCKING GOT THIS.

Reminder. — August 26, 2016