Chaos. — November 23, 2015

Chaos.

I’m still learning, by God, I am still learning. I don’t know where the path I’m on will lead me.

Is that okay? I feel like that it’s okay.

The only time I feel that it is not okay and can cause lots of conflict/friction is when another person enters my life.

I am all for companionship, meeting people, and getting to know someone else.

But not right now.

I wish I could say that now is the right time for me to enter a relationship, but it would be a lie.

And I keep learning this hard lesson over and over — Never lie to yourself. Or, in my case, STOP lying to yourself.

I have been a liar, all my life, I think.
It started out as a defense mechanism.
Then it became so easy than explaining myself and the roots set in.
The rest is history and here I am, trying to undo the tangles and knots.

In other words, I’m trying to figure shit out, while training my brain to do and think and behave in ways it has never done before.

I. am. having. the. toughest. time.

My friend(?), Adam, calls this a “chaotic phase.” Is that right? It sounds like it, logically…maybe…?

Chaos: a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.

I think he’s wrong, to be honest.
I want him to be wrong. That’s the truth.
I want him to be wrong because knowing this, it means that I have a lot more work to do on myself than I originally believed.
It means that I may be much further away from my goals than I thought and planned.

Part of me is SO angry that he used that word since I feel like it has negative connotations.
But I suppose that’s what it looks like from an outside perspective.

But either way, no matter how you slice and dice it, no matter what words anyone else (including me) uses, my life inner being is in a whirlwind of chaos right now.

After a lifetime of being told what to do and how to be, I am now stepping out of that comfort box and venturing out to figure out who I truly am.

But, because I trained myself to be an optimist…
Yeah, it’s chaos, but in a way, it’s beautiful.

I have hope.
You can’t rush a masterpiece.

Miracles take time.

Sending My Thoughts Out Into the Void. — November 20, 2015

Sending My Thoughts Out Into the Void.

“I want a relationship — a healthy one — with no co-dependency…”

These words were told to me about a month ago and they have settled in the back of my mind, but continue to bother me on some level.

I wish I could say that I know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like or even feels like. But the honest-to-goodness truth is that I don’t. I don’t know what those look like, feel like, sound like; I don’t know anything about them, to be honest.

Being raised in the household and cultural setting that I was in, it seems like codependency was all that surrounded me. It was the norm and as I grew older, I thought it was perfectly normal to constantly want to heavily rely on others and have them rely heavily on me too.

I think, even now, it still continues to this day. That way of thinking has dug in its heels into my mind and I’ve been conditioned to believe that I need others. I’ve been taught that I constantly need the validation of my existence from others, especially from my family.

All in all, I am realizing that that’s not the case, nor has it ever been the case.

You know, I read all of these articles about romantic relationships, relationships in general and some advice I follow religiously and others I take with a grain of salt.

But I think I forget that all that these articles are only pieces of advice from people who don’t know me; who don’t know what my life has been like and who probably won’t ever know me.

I forget not to believe everything I read; that all these articles are, are just people who want to write down and share the life (and/or love) lessons that they have learned so far.

All these articles are just posts like this one that I’m writing.

———
So, no, I don’t know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. Do you? Does anyone who is not a professional researcher? People are different; people want different things in their lives. People can’t and should not be studied as patterns.

Again, I do not know what a healthy romantic relationship is like. And you know what? I think that’s okay. I think I am still learning about myself and I am choosing me over someone else, right now, and that is perfectly okay.

It is also perfectly okay to just let things be.