I’m still learning, by God, I am still learning. I don’t know where the path I’m on will lead me.

Is that okay? I feel like that it’s okay.

The only time I feel that it is not okay and can cause lots of conflict/friction is when another person enters my life.

I am all for companionship, meeting people, and getting to know someone else.

But not right now.

I wish I could say that now is the right time for me to enter a relationship, but it would be a lie.

And I keep learning this hard lesson over and over — Never lie to yourself. Or, in my case, STOP lying to yourself.

I have been a liar, all my life, I think.
It started out as a defense mechanism.
Then it became so easy than explaining myself and the roots set in.
The rest is history and here I am, trying to undo the tangles and knots.

In other words, I’m trying to figure shit out, while training my brain to do and think and behave in ways it has never done before.

I. am. having. the. toughest. time.

My friend(?), Adam, calls this a “chaotic phase.” Is that right? It sounds like it, logically…maybe…?

Chaos: a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.

I think he’s wrong, to be honest.
I want him to be wrong. That’s the truth.
I want him to be wrong because knowing this, it means that I have a lot more work to do on myself than I originally believed.
It means that I may be much further away from my goals than I thought and planned.

Part of me is SO angry that he used that word since I feel like it has negative connotations.
But I suppose that’s what it looks like from an outside perspective.

But either way, no matter how you slice and dice it, no matter what words anyone else (including me) uses, my life inner being is in a whirlwind of chaos right now.

After a lifetime of being told what to do and how to be, I am now stepping out of that comfort box and venturing out to figure out who I truly am.

But, because I trained myself to be an optimist…
Yeah, it’s chaos, but in a way, it’s beautiful.

I have hope.
You can’t rush a masterpiece.

Miracles take time.

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