Maybe I’m sleep deprived. Maybe I’ve kept my thoughts to myself for too long. Either way, they’re now spilling out of me in the form of silent tears.

I made a list a couple of months ago of what I want regarding a romantic relationship. …Really, Past Steph? That’s your current focus? I digress though.

What I really want-

~ I want the courage to leave behind people, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are toxic to my well-being and that stifle who I truly am (an odd, strange, interesting, and quirky human being/part-time hippie).

~ A strength & resolveĀ that never wavers or cracks; an inner flame that may diminish and not burn as brightly as it once could but one that never goes out. One that never gets distinguished solely based on other people’s strong opinions and everyday statements; an inner fire that never goes out as long as I’m breathing and alive and trying.

~ I want to not feel like a shitty person for wanting to be completely selfish for a small portion of my life. I want to push past the shame and constant guilt that I feel whenever I want to ‘pause’ certain areas of my life or whenever I want what I want.

~ I do want love. I’m not going to deny that, but first and foremost, I want to love me, flaws and all. I want to know what it’s like to love myself wholeheartedly, instead of directing that love towards someone else. Because, ‘I love you’ …what does that even mean to me anymore? I stopped knowing and therefore, how can I even tell anyone else that if I have no idea what love means to ME.? I want to have that answer before I tell and show anyone else those words.

To be continued…