There’s no one.
That’s not true. That’s the lie the depression likes to feed me whenever some kind of shit hits the fan in my life.
There *are* people. They just cannot be with you 24/7. They can’t hold you when you want to cry your eyes out for seemingly no reasons. They can’t be there for you when you feel like you really need someone to be there.
Why not? you ask.
Because Steph, you need to learn how to do it yourself. Sure, no one is there to physically hug you or hold you, but you need to learn how to reach inside yourself, past all the darkness and voids and emptiness and you need to be there for yourself.
Whether or not that means bawling your eyes out until you’re just hiccuping.
And/Or ranting out loud to no one but empty air.
Whatever you need to do for yourself, JUST FUCKING DO IT.
Sorry babe, but you’re in this one alone.
And you know what?
That’s perfectly okay. It is okay because you can always learn how to be with other people, again.
But this – this learning to deal with your issues alone is something you need to master first before you start relying on anyone else. Once you’ve got relying on yourself down packed, then you can include others. If you do it the other way around, you’ll be lost amongst everyone’s opinions and thoughts. You won’t know which way is up or down. You’ll do things based on how others view you and what their expectations are.
Which is why you’re here in the first place.
It’s not wholly about Adam or your mom or your family. It’s about YOU and what you want and what you need.
Figure that out and then figure out who you want to include.
But, please, PLEASE, dear God I’m begging you, express, express, express. Express how you goddamn feel and think. And when people challenge you, you don’t even have to goddamn answer. You can shrug your shoulders or nod your head and move on.
You drop your shit all the time for people. Drop your shit for yourself. Drop caring so much about others because it is fucking ruining your life. You fucking matter on this earth. You fucking matter despite others that barely give a shit about you.
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF. PLEASE
It’s not selfish. Okay, maybe it is. But who fucking cares at this point in time? You are destroying yourself and no one will realize it unless you are permanently removed from their life.
Do you really want that? Or do you want to feel fulfilled every goddamn day of your life? (Ok, the majority of your life since you’re inclined to have bad days.)
Come on. This stage in your life is only the beginning. Do you really want to give up now after 2 1/2 weeks and go crawling back to your parents? Yes, they tried so very hard for you to have a good life, but now, IT’S UP TO YOU, BABE.
C’MON BABE, YOU GOT THIS. Yes, your shoes are soggy and your clothes are wet, but your goddamn soul is still alive and burning inside of you. Cry, whine, bitch and moan, but eventually, STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GO DO SOME FUCKING WORK. Even if it’s just unloading the laundry. Or writing a list of errands. Or even walking home from the train station. Whatever. Complete at least one thing tonight and be proud of yourself. Give yourself a fucking high 5 right after you’ve done with whatever it is. And rinse and repeat. Sure, the list seems like it never ends, but each day is an accomplishment because you are still alive.
You don’t get to choose when you die, but you get to choose how you live.
And as long as you’re alive, YOU FUCKING GOT THIS.