Nevertheless, you are a better judge of your potential success now than anyone else. Don’t be discouraged by second-hand negativity.
“Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me.”
I am the epitome of a paradox:
~ I say I want stability, but in practice, it bores me.
~ I believe I want the “American Dream,” but in actuality, it scares the hell outta me that I’ll place myself in the box of the mundane suburban life.
~ I act like I am strong all the time and I put a brave face on for the show that is called life, and yet, inside, I could crumble and break down and am in pain.
~ I state that I want a serious romantic partner…yet in hindsight, being serious with (mostly) everyone didn’t help me build solid footing.
~ I want to be practical, rational….and then I also want to be inside my emotions.
~ I yearn for people to get to know the “real” me, but I confuse everyone with a swirling fog that they get lost in and give up.
~ I ache with the knowing that I am impatient even though I want to be patient and see where I go in life.
~ I sometimes think that I want certainty and guarantees but when I actually receive them, I don’t trust or believe it.
I wonder if I will ever be sure of anything.
It goes on and on,
Over and over and over again.
Keep spinning around, I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for good.
I never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this.
“You’re looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverses your story’s course. But it won’t reverse–for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone. Allow your acceptance of the universality of suffering to be a transformative experience. You do that by simply looking at what pains you squarely in the face and then moving on. You don’t have to move fast or far. You can go just an inch. You can mark your progress breath by breath.” (Cheryl Strayed)
“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” (Marcel Proust)
“You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning to inner strength.” (ATLA)
“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” (Carl Jung)
The stories I hold inside myself will never stop being sad.
What I went through as a child was horrific and traumatizing.
That being said though, I’ve still got to move on.
In the words of Moana:
“…They have stolen the heart from inside you…
but this does not define you.
This is not who you are;
you know who you are.”
It’ll be soon.
Maybe I’m being ridiculous.
Goodbye to nobody.
I rarely trust anyone.
I am also scared shitless a lot of the time.
I think I have trusted the wrong people in the past and didn’t realize it until it was too late (aka I got hurt).
I am starting to believe, though, that I have no clue as to whom is really trustworthy or not;
that maybe it would more helpful for me if I trusted the people that I’m terrified to trust.
After all, when I’m afraid to do something, doesn’t it mean that it’s the thing I need to do?
No one else is walking on my path.
This one exists solely for me.
Therefore, I am alone.
Alone is different from loneliness.
I am alone,
and that is okay.
“It is better to be alone than to be with someone else who can’t see who you are.”
Someone else chose me but I chose you. Little did I realize that you wouldn’t choose me back.
I don’t think it’s the breakup itself that is the worst part of a relationship; it’s the putting yourself back together afterwards. It’s the part of the story where you have to go on living your own life after their chapter ends. It’s when you have to reset and adjust your life back to the way it was before they showed up or even change it for the better.
I’m torn. I feel eviscerated and it’s entirely my doing. I broke my own heart in the process and don’t have enough fire left in me to put it back together or to keep moving forward.
All I wanted in this life was to find someone to love and that would love me back and be my best friend; someone that would stay in my life forever, not out of convenience, but because they chose me day in and day out. Good mood, bad mood, hangry, what have you. Any of these things and they’d still think I was the best person for them. (Speaking romantic-wise, not friends or family.)
All this probably sounds incredibly naive and I probably sound like a teenager, but I don’t care. It’s the truth.
I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. I’m 29 years old and even though time is an illusion, I’m done. I’m done with this life.
See you on the other side, maybe.