Sick Cycle Carousel. — November 7, 2017

Sick Cycle Carousel.

So when will this end?
It goes on and on,
Over and over and over again.
Keep spinning around, I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for good.
I never thought I’d end up here;
I never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this.
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Quotes. — November 2, 2017

Quotes.

“You’re looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverses your story’s course. But it won’t reverse–for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone. Allow your acceptance of the universality of suffering to be a transformative experience. You do that by simply looking at what pains you squarely in the face and then moving on. You don’t have to move fast or far. You can go just an inch. You can mark your progress breath by breath.” (Cheryl Strayed)

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” (Marcel Proust)

“You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning to inner strength.” (ATLA)

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” (Carl Jung)

 

From This Moment On. — October 27, 2017

From This Moment On.

The stories I hold inside myself will never stop being sad.
What I went through as a child was horrific and traumatizing.

That being said though, I’ve still got to move on.

In the words of Moana:

“…They have stolen the heart from inside you…
but this does not define you.
This is not who you are;
you know who you are.”

Goodbye. — October 13, 2017
Trust + Fear. — October 10, 2017

Trust + Fear.

I rarely trust anyone.
Even myself.
I am also scared shitless a lot of the time.

I think I have trusted the wrong people in the past and didn’t realize it until it was too late (aka I got hurt).

I am starting to believe, though, that I have no clue as to whom is really trustworthy or not;
that maybe it would more helpful for me if I trusted the people that I’m terrified to trust.

After all, when I’m afraid to do something, doesn’t it mean that it’s the thing I need to do?

YES.

Alone. — September 28, 2017

Alone.

No one else is walking on my path.
This one exists solely for me.
Therefore, I am alone.
Alone is different from loneliness.

I am alone,
and that is okay.

“It is better to be alone than to be with someone else who can’t see who you are.”

Someone else chose me but I chose you. Little did I realize that you wouldn’t choose me back.

The Aftermath. — April 5, 2017

The Aftermath.

I don’t think it’s the breakup itself that is the worst part of a relationship; it’s the putting yourself back together afterwards. It’s the part of the story where you have to go on living your own life after their chapter ends. It’s when you have to reset and adjust your life back to the way it was before they showed up or even change it for the better.

I’m torn. I feel eviscerated and it’s entirely my doing. I broke my own heart in the process and don’t have enough fire left in me to put it back together or to keep moving forward.

All I wanted in this life was to find someone to love and that would love me back and be my best friend; someone that would stay in my life forever, not out of convenience, but because they chose me day in and day out. Good mood, bad mood, hangry, what have you. Any of these things and they’d still think I was the best person for them. (Speaking romantic-wise, not friends or family.)

All this probably sounds incredibly naive and I probably sound like a teenager, but I don’t care. It’s the truth.

I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. I’m 29 years old and even though time is an illusion, I’m done. I’m done with this life.

See you on the other side, maybe.

Best Friend Advice. — February 2, 2017

Best Friend Advice.

“Steph, learn to value your life. It’s a GREAT thing to be alive even if you hate your job or things aren’t working out with your friends and family. We ALL have problems to deal with but, there are plenty of things worth living for. You can’t be happy all the time but…aren’t those little slivers of pure happiness worth it?

Don’t waste so much time being depressed and ungrateful, before you know it, you’ll be old and regret years of misspent youth.

Life’s not a burden; it’s a privilege.”

Not —

Not

Here she is, in the safety of her room. Yet, she doesn’t know just how safe she really is within these walls that surround her. I’m in a box, she thinks.

Here she sits, the exhaustion from the past few days unaccounted for, just simply forgotten. In the quiet stillness of the night, words just seem to flood her mind. Yes, words; random words just floating through the recesses of her mind. Pungent. Strength. Silence. Words just floating in, then suddenly dissipating, as if they were never there to begin with.

A book lays open beside her, the pages slowly drooping down, as if alive, with a mind of their own, with their own agenda, mirroring the emotions written all over her own face.

She sits, unmoving, and yet inside her, it is the complete opposite. She knows of the emotions trapped inside her, swirling in a seemingly endless vortex. What she doesn’t know is how to label them. What is it a vortex of, exactly? Confusion? Emptiness? Contentment? All of the above?

Compared to how it was years ago when she wanted to die, not seeing the purpose of her life, not realizing that the adventure lies in living, not solely existing — this is a vast improvement. But could this all be just another low in the ups and downs of life? All these questions remain unanswered and all her emotions remain unresolved.

All she’s left with tonight is the achingly damp loneliness. All she wants is peace of mind — no pain or anguish or happiness to feel. No thoughts crowding her mind. Because then and only then, it seems the world rights itself and the silence actually seems bearable.

Daily Prompt: Renewal — December 29, 2016

Daily Prompt: Renewal

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

It’s so coincidental that today’s Daily Prompt is Renewal because that is EXACTLY how I feel today — I feel renewed and invigorated.

I’ve been stuck in a pretty deep rut lately, guys (and gals) and only yesterday, have I pulled myself out of it.

I have a week off from work this week and I’ve been using the time to adult (i.e. errands, money stuff, laundry, etc.), read and write.

I forgot how healthy those 2 outlets for me, are. Plus, they put me in good moods, even when I’ve got writer’s block.

Yesterday, I finally figured out why I became cynical and bitter about love and life. It’s because life didn’t turn out the way I wanted or planned it to. So, I realized I’ve been acting like a brat and that shit has gotta stop.

Even though it’s not 2017 yet, I am now making more of a conscious effort to commit to myself. That means that I am going to do more things for me like continue to read books and write in this journal and work on my story that’s been on hiatus since the beginning of this year.

I decided that I’m tired of being sad all the time the majority of the time.
I decided that since I’ve been keeping myself small all my life to not appear weird to the world, I thought, let’s try something different and try being myself and see what happens.

I realized that I am the most powerful when I am myself and appear confident.
I am definitely happier and want to spread happiness and love.
Wow!

Oh yes, I am also making more of an effort to trust myself.

I spent all this time not trusting myself out of fear of being wrong, being ridiculed for my opinions, etc. and I don’t want to do that anymore because it hasn’t been helping me.

Trusting myself…that means that I am not going to overthink things, I will make plans and back-up plans, and I will make decisions based on intuition, past experiences and weighing pros/cons/options.

I choose to be more creative and stop procrastinating on projects that I’ve been wanting to complete for some time now, like a (new) vision board and inspirational posters I’d like to decorate my room with.

On another note, I love when the Universe dishes my advice back to me. My waxer told me today that things really do happen when you least expect them to and when you’re not looking. She basically said to prioritize and focus on something else than what you want and it’ll manifest in your life.

Welp, Happy New Year everybody! Here’s to another year of life and love and messes and getting lost and somehow finding your way back. Cheers and love!